Elsa has been sharing some fish tales lately and a debate on adultery has ensued. People tend to get really pissed off at the person who led their partner astray. I can understand that and I've done that. I mean, really, if it's HER fault, then he and I can at some point resume our regular programming, right? So, since I'm not invested in HER and I am invested in him, if I can shift all blame to HER then he and I can eventually get back to good. If it's his fault though...well, shit, that means we have some work to do and it probably will be revealed that some of this is MY fault! Screw that!
Now I know it's not that simple and it's certainly not generic and different people cheat for as many reasons (or more) than there are people who cheat. And then there's debate over exactly what constitutes cheating. So, there's a whole long laundry list of shit that can get you in big trouble when you're supposedly committed to the big M (monogamy). Some people feel like they should be all things to their partners and their partners shouldn't want anything or anyone else. For some, this includes porn. For others, online chatting that leads to "emotional affairs" is cheating, even if their partner never lays a finger on the person.
Having been married to a cheater, I thought maybe I could give some perspective but really I can't. If I understood what led him to fuck around behind my back (early on, when he still cared, that is...more RIGHT IN MY FACE later on when he cared less), if I had some insight on HIS perspective, well, he may not have been such a lyin' stinkin' cheater. As it was (and still is), I had no clue what the man needed or wanted (other than any piece of ass that wasn't ME). Even less comprehensible to me was that when I told him he had to leave, he didn't want to! He wanted to stay with meeeeeeeeeeeee. I so don't get that, to this day.
Because here's the thing - when I lied and cheated (and um...stunk...), it was because I was done with his ass and I was just looking for the exit. When I got caught (and people ALWAYS get caught eventually because really...we want to get caught...because really we're saying, "baby, our shit is all fucked up and in desperate need of fixing, if that is even possible at this late date"), I was not all broken up about it or even ashamed. And it might sound like revenge but really it wasn't. It was all about me, which some will say is even worse than revenge. But revenge would have been like, "haha! now we're even" (although I'd have had to fuck around A LOT to make us even). But I was more like, "umm, yeah, well, I needed sex and I needed someone to say I'm funny and smart and pretty and worth spending time talking to". ALL about me, not at all about him or us or even the really sweet and wonderful man I cheated with. I owe that guy so much, maybe even my life, and the best way I can thank him is to stay the hell away from him and never darken his doorstep again. When my ex asked if I was screwing that guy, I said, "yes, every chance I get". Because I was saying to him that I was so done, so already gone, so not about him any more.
So, when people cheat, I think it's all about them. They want to feel something - important or handsome or sexy or sneaky or naughty...something they aren't feeling at home. I don't know any perfectly content people who have cheated.
I know a guy who really enjoys sex with different women and I know his wife is okay with that. She says that she knows that her husband loves her and that she can be a lot of things to him but she cannot be someone else. So, as long as she knows what he's doing, she's okay with it. She doesn't think it's cheating because really, she gave him permission. He's not done anything with anyone behind her back or without discussing it with her first. I think that's pretty cool.